Just from the title of this post, you know where this going before I even tell you don’t you…?
Normally, to not freak my husband out totally, I shove a pillow under my bum after sex, you know, just to help the little fellas along. This clearly isn’t fucking working though is it, so I’ve taken to standing on my head after the deed is done. Who needs a cuddle and sweet nothings once I’ve extracted what I need from my poor unsuspecting husband. He isn’t actually unsuspecting, to be clear, he knows what we are doing, but I still don’t think he really gets it…. like…understands that sex just isn’t enough for us to get pregnant.
Anyway, last night, after the deed, for some reason the husband had to go downstairs…it will have been cat related. Everything that man does is related to our cats…Anyway I quickly jumped off the bed and stood on my head. This all sounds rather normal to anyone trying to get pregnant I’m sure.
Problem is, I’m not very good at standing on my head. And I got stuck.
As my husband came back in, he made a weird noise and asked what on earth I was doing (like I said, he really doesn’t get even after 4 years of trying). I asked him to help me back up, to which he offered me one hand. One hand I tell you. I am not a tiny girl. It was going to take both his hands and a lot of arm strength to get me back up right. Of course, I only had one of his hands which led to me thumping the floor like an elephant and screaming that I had popped my shoulder. This may have been slightly dramatic, in fact, I may have bounced on the floor slightly and landed in a position that would make Christian Grey blush.
The husband got back into bed laughing as our bedroom door came flying open with my 15-year-old screaming “Mum, mum what it is…. are you ok”.
There I was in a position that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a hardcore porn movie, totally naked, with my baby boy looking at me with his head slightly to the side checking I wasn’t dead.
In the space of what felt like a million years but was really a second or so he said “oh Jesus Christ, really….on a Monday night guys, you are so lame”.
There we have it. I’m never having sex again.
(well until ovulation next month if i’m lucky)